Review: Children's Book Illustration Summer School @ Cambridge

It’s been a special summer so far in many ways. I’m pregnant in the middle of the longest heatwave imaginable. Our little boy is starting to speak. In English. I self published my summer travel journal (and it’s selling so well! Thank you guys!). And, I finally signed up for the Children’s Book Illustration summer school course in Cambridge. 

Ever since my good friend Ellen Vesters went (and subsequently got accepted into the MA), I’ve been wanting to go. There was always a good reason not to do it though. Too expensive. Too busy. A small baby. I figured with a second little dude on the way, it would be now or, well not never, but not for a while. So I closed my eyes, filled out my credit card details (I am pretty talented like that), and signed up.

Anglia Ruskin University. Our studios were on the top floor with the big windows. 

Anglia Ruskin University. Our studios were on the top floor with the big windows. 

What is the course? 

It’s a week long intensive summer school at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge (UK) focused on getting you from a story idea, to a completed (but still rough!) dummy of a children’s picture book. There’s an introduction to the history of picture books, lectures on character development, story structure, the interplay between text and image, and a glimpse into the world of publishing and illustration agents. And while you don’t really learn any drawing skills, you do draw a LOT. Pretty much all day. During studio time, the talented team of teachers/illustrators (Pam Smy, Ness Wood, Marta Altés, Dave Barrow, and Birgitta Sif) walk around the room and do 1:1 coaching sessions to help you along in your process. Plus, we got to browse their sketchbooks. Below are a few pictures I took of the sketchbooks of Pam Smy (1-3), Marta Altes, and Dave Barrow. I KNOW RIGHT?

The ‘class’ was about 70 people from all ages, backgrounds, and countries. And while that’s a bit too big of a group to get to know everyone, I did end up hanging out with a lovely and very supportive group of artists all week. It’s so special to meet others who are really into illustration and children’s books and just nerd out together, give advice, and fawn over all of their skill and talent. 

Things I am taking away from this week:

  • I am impatient (not a surprise) and like to finish things. However, my work really does improve if I practice practice and practice more and push through this uncomfortable feeling of butIfdon’twanna. Practice makes perfect. Or at least a bit better. Annoying, but true. 
  • I hadn’t taken any proper art classes since high school, and I was really craving feedback - more so than I realized. One of the (many) reasons I didn’t go to art school after high school is that my teacher used to just give me straight A’s without looking at my work. I didn’t feel like art challenged me and I wanted to study something that’d be ‘hard’ for me - instead of freeloading off of my supposed ’talent’. Of course, I now know that this was a silly assumption, but at the time I’d only had 18 years of people telling me I was the best.
  • So guess what, drawing all day is challenging and necessary (see point 1). It’s also really really fun. Weird enough, drawing all day was new to me as well, and beforehand I did wonder how I’d feel about focusing on drawing for an entire week. Right now, drawing happens in all the little cracks of time I can find. Toddler nap times, evenings, stolen hours during weekends or vacations. The occasional day off. So who knows? Perhaps I’d be bored by drawing so much, and bored by focusing on one project all week. Fortunately that didn’t turn out to be the case - I absolutely loved the break from ‘reality’ and being fully immersed in a project.
  • Edit edit edit. I’ve looked at my story a thousand times now, had it critiqued, changed it, changed it again, and so on and so forth. The story still needs more work, even though the idea for the story is pretty simple. You really cannot be precious about your ideas and work. 
  • A week is insanely little time to produce a picture book dummy. People take months, years, to do this properly. So this course really was only the beginning.  
  • I can rely on my sketches and my shapes more, and less on (inked) line work. It can still be powerful and clean. I don’t have to settle for a ‘style’ - there’s more room to improve and develop.  
  • I am too old for student housing, and too pregnant for student housing on the top floor in the middle of summer without windows that open. It was lovely staying on campus as it made for lots of socializing time with the other students, but I fully expected to die from heatstroke up in that room (spoiler: I didn’t). 
  • I cannot be left alone in a room full of beautiful children's books for sale...
Just *part* of my purchases for the week.

Just *part* of my purchases for the week.

Would I recommend it?

Yes, absolutely (apart from the student housing)! Of course, you need to be interested in children’s books, feel relatively comfortable with your drawing style, ready to work on a story for a week, and open to meeting new people. I am incredibly glad I went, and have been itching to get back to work on my story - which I’ll tell you all about in an upcoming post!

NEW! Available for Pre-Order: Illustrated Travel Journal Zine - Vacances en France

This summer my husband, son, and my very pregnant self spent two weeks in the beautiful Périgord area in France. The travel journal I kept whilst staying there will be coming out as a zine and is now available for pre-order! Yay!

The zine contains drawings and writings on what we did, ate, saw, and thought while on our beautiful summer holiday.


PLEASE NOTE: This zine is now available for pre-order. I will send out your order on July 30th, 2018 at the latest (probably sooner) from the UK. Please allow for shipping time as well, depending on where you live.

Journal Pages: Weekends & Hotels

Pregnancy is such a special time. You're huge, you can't eat the foods you like, you don't really sleep, your back hurts, your ankles are the size of tree trunks.

Nah, I kid, I kid, it's marvelous of course (ok not all of it, but most of it). It's so special to carry a little wiggly human being in your belly - it's a time so full of promise and hope. A new person is being created, hidden away for a bit longer, but ready to rock your world completely - show you who they are. Being pregnant is such an honor, being a parent is such an honor, witnessing the change is such an honor. 

Being pregnant is such an honor, being a parent is such an honor, witnessing the change is such an honor. And, well, the hormones help as well. I've been feeling so happy and creative these past few months - which I feel you can really tell from my journal pages. 

A bit of everything in here - travel, feelings, forests, food. Enjoy!

NEWS: Teaching 'The Whimsical Sketchbook' Klass for Sketchbook Skool!

A few months ago I did something totally scary - I stood in front of a camera to film a class for Sketchbook Skool! I am so excited to be teaching in The Whimsical Sketchbook with four other insanely talented artists like Rebecca Green, Mike Lowery, Vanessa Brantley Newton, and Miriam Bos. If you know me only a little bit, you'll know I am seriously hardcore #fangirling over here and still can't believe I am actually part of a project these amazing artists have worked on as well. Like what happened!?
 

What is this course about?

Well, definitely watch the trailer below if you'd like to find out. In this class you'll spend five weeks with five illustrators exploring, aimed at inspiring your creativity by immersing you in the lives and the studios of four artists who use their sketchbooks as incubators of stories, emotions, and vivid new worlds.

You’ll learn by watching the artist sharing their step-by-step process in 12 different demos using everything from gouache, markers, ink, crayons, collage, iPads, colored pencils, watercolors, pastels, and more..

What am I teaching?

Once again, check out the video below. I'll be sharing my personal story - about why I keep an illustrated journal, what it means to me, and how it helps me process my life as I move through it.

I'll also be sharing some of my top tips for keeping your own journal. One of the key things I have learned through these last 10+ years of keeping an illustrated journal is that a good layout can really make your drawings stand out, while also keeping enough space to write about your adventures. In this course I talk about the five layouts I like working with, how I plan out my pages, and share easy hacks you can use no matter what skill level you're at (because honestly, I feel like I am at level 0 most days, so I am all about the hacks!). 

How does it work?

You sign up here, and then klass starts June 18th. For five weeks, you'll work with a different teacher each week, learning from them, and completing assignments. Each artist will also do a webinar at the end of their week to ask them (and thus me!) anything. 

 

Where do I sign up?

Funny you should ask! Because I've got just the link for you (and please use THIS link, as I get a little bit of ££ when you sign up using my link, which equals to more snacks for the babies and honestly, you'd be a monster if you'd deny my babies snacks, no?):

JOURNAL PAGES: Over the Moon & Terrified (Jan - March 2018)

The first three months of this year have been incredibly turbulent for our little family. We made lots of big life choices -- that resulted in very little change for now.

Big news first: I am pregnant with our second child! Yay! It all went a bit quicker than we'd anticipated, but we're completely over the moon (and terrified). We'll be expecting another little boy end of September - a little brother for Jacob! We can't quite believe it, neither of us (and Jacob doesn't really understand yet). This pregnancy also has been so different than the last one, in so many ways. I few thoughts on that below, but more to come as well.

What else? Well, we decided very suddenly to move a few streets down the road to what must be the cutest place in London. I traveled to the US for work. We spent a long and very rainy weekend in Wales. Two more hospitalisations for Jacob (I don't know if I've ever really written about his neutropenia on this blog, but I probably should - as I'd never even heard of it before Jacob got it and it might be helpful to a few of you out there). Oh, and Jochem shaved his beard. 

Anyways, lots of journal pages and comics below. Enjoy!

Journal Pages: October '17 - January '18

It feels like two years have passed by since I last uploaded any journal pages, but in fact it's been closer to four months. I guess this happens when you get older, but I've only really started noticing it after Jacob was born. I think it's not even an illusion, time does pass by faster, as he seems to pick up a new skill or grow a centimeter every week. 

The journal pages below include a (work) trip to Bologna, an incredibly scary hospitalization with Jacob, Jacob's first birthday, life, and then... a much-needed break. I had two weeks off over Christmas, and it didn't come a minute too soon.

Enjoy! Want more? You can find all my journal pages (ever), on my Flickr page, because I am old school like that.

Video: Flip Through my Sketchbook (February-November 2017)

A quick flip through my journal pages from February until November of 2017. This year has been a difficult one as my son fell ill and was (eventually) diagnosed with autoimmune neutropenia, a rare blood disease that fortunately in most cases goes away as he gets older, but still puts a lot of stress on our little family.

Breastfeeding & Going Back to Work: My Top Tips

In many ways motherhood has been kicking my ass. Sleep deprivation and, well, sleep deprivation and fear, have pushed me past limits I didn’t even know I had. But then, an important lesson is that you do manage, like most parents, and your life is richer for it. 

One department where I have impressed myself by exceeding my own expectations, has been to continue to breastfeed after going back to work. Like most things to do with breastfeeding (or parenthood), I simply  had no idea what I was in for. I thought I would perhaps continue for another month or so, but instead I am still breastfeeding (he is now 13 months old) and have only stopped expressing at the office right before going on my Christmas holidays. Yes, his autoimmune disease influenced my decision, but honestly, I feel like I probably would have continued either way. Breastfeeding worked for us, and thanks to my wonderful employer, expressing at the office also worked after much trial and error on my part. 

If you are pregnant or still on maternity leave and wondering how to combine your (full time) job with breastfeeding your child - here are my top tips. This list is by no means exhaustive (believe me, I could go on about this for literally hours), and also not prescriptive. It is based on my personal experiences and just intended to be helpful, as I wish I had found a list like this a bit earlier on. 

Please do drop any comments, your own experiences, or questions below! Would love to hear your thoughts.

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If five weren’t such a nice number, I would have added a number six: make sure you take some time to connect to your baby when you get home from work. Having a cuddle and a quick feed whenever I came home in the evening really helped us to reconnect after a day apart, and helped keep the habit of breastfeeding when I am around alive. 

Good luck! You can do this!

Launched: Limited Edition Nursery Prints!

They're here, they're here! My limited edition prints.  
Well, they've been here for a while, but you know... baby. 

I went with DStudio here in the UK, after my friend and artist Sabra recommended them, and they turned out really lovely. They're signed and numbered giclée prints on thick, nicely textured, Hahnemühle William Turner 310gsm. 

There's five different prints, only ten prints each and would make a lovely gift for parents-to-be, parents, grandparents, or just to decorate kid's rooms. 

A YouTube Channel!

So I've started a YouTube channel! 

I've been meaning to do this for a while, mainly to showcase flipthroughs of my journals, but should I ever find the time I would also love to use it for tutorials and art supply reviews. Really it's all an elaborate scheme to convince myself that the obscene amount of money I spend on art supplies and stationery is totally worth it, but hopefully you'd get something out of it as well.

So, do check out the first seven videos of me flipping through my illustrated journals over here if you should feel so inclined and please let me know what kinds of video's you'd like to see on my channel. I'd love to grow this into a 'thing'!

Journal Pages: Pumping on the Plane

I don't suffer from low self esteem. However, if you ask me what I am most proud of I would struggle to give you an answer. My thinking has mostly been that you get talent for free, giving it your best is just a minimal requirement, and there is usually a good bit of luck involved in whether you achieve the things you want or not. 

But recently I have found myself wanting to brag. The fact is, Jacob is nearly 11 months old and still breastfed (apart from solids now, of course). Before he was born, I had set myself six months as a goal. When we discovered his neutropenia, I decided to continue to make sure his immune system got all the help it could get. I am proud of sticking it out like this, because as some of you may know, breastfeeding isn't easy. It hurts for the first two months or so, it is exhausting as you're doing all the feeds one way or another, especially during those first few months where all your baby wants to do is clusterfeed (yes this is an actual thing, google it), and it's this weird experience where your boobs and body just aren't yours. It can also be awkward and political. It shouldn't be, but even when you know sitting in a café breastfeeding your infant son is the most natural thing in the world (and secretly wish someone would come up to you to complain so you can yell at them), you're still pretty much out in public with your tits out as your baby is just not focusing. 

Breastfeeding, of course, is also magical and amazing. It is one of the most empowering of experiences to be able to feed your baby with your own body. It is fantastic for your baby and their developing immune system - not just for the first six months, but for the first few years of their lives (read all about that here). It is super convenient once things start to settle down; you never have to mess around with formula or heating bottles on the go. It is a multipurpose soother - many of Jacob's issues were solved by just shoving my boob in his face. And it's so so cosy. Those quiet moments where Jacob and I are just snuggled up together are some of the most precious times in my life. Breastfeeding truly is a miracle and I am so grateful that I am able to this. But it isn't easy.  

Working and trying to continue to fully breastfeed definitely isn't easy, but after a few months I do feel I've gotten the hang of it, tedious as it can get. Last month's challenge was a different ballgame, however. I went on a business trip to New York. Apart from having to miss my daily baby snuggles (and the irrational mommy guilt in the back of my mind saying I probably am emotionally scarring my child for life by going away for four days), this took quite a bit of preparation. I had to make sure I had pumped enough breast milk to last him the week (40 bags of 100 milliliter of milk equals 40 days of one extra pumping session a day). All week long, I had to set my alarm clock at night. and sneak out of meetings during the day to pump and keep up with my feeding schedule at home. Oh and then there was pumping on the plane! Is there some kind of Mile High Club for expressing moms? There should be. 

But I did it. And it was fine. 

Below are my journal entries from that week, including some instructions on how to pump on a plane. Enjoy.

Anna Denise FloorComment
Launched: Customizable Baby Announcements

Some of you may have caught a glimpse of this in my Etsy shop, but I quietly launched a new line of customizable baby announcements. 

Unlike most of the commissioned work I do, which is fully personalized (and therefore pricey), these baby announcements are pre-designed (and cheaper). The illustrations and design stays the same, and all you need to do is buy the listing from me, send me your baby's name and birth details, and I'll hand letter the cards for you. You'll receive your downloadable PDF, ready for print, within 48 hours. 

What do you think? Is this something you would be interested in? What about customizable posters and prints like this for baby's rooms? Any animals you're missing? Would love to hear your feedback!

If you're interested in buying a customizable baby announcement, please visit my Etsy shop!

Commissions: Farmyard Wedding Season

I am not sure about you, but in my world the months between June and September are Wedding Central over here. Which means I've been busy and did a few commissions for wedding invites! Because life has been a bit overwhelming lately (as you've been able to read all about in my last two journal updates on this blog), I've taken very few external commissions, so these are all for friends and family. 


Hester & Rutger: Natural Minimalist

The first set of invites were for my very own brother and (now) sister in law! Now, this wasn't an easy commission. I did their engagement party invite a while ago, but they wanted something quite different this time around. The bride, who is a photographer and quite creative herself, actually had a very clear idea of what she wanted and had sketched it all out, but I just couldn't make it work. The style wasn't a fit for mine and it just looked awkward. Fortunately, they had a quite elaborate Pinterest board set up, which I then translated into this minimalist nature-inspired card. It was a perfect fit for their gorgeous and relaxed Dutch farm wedding (pictures on their photographer's blog here). I also did a few extra bits for them: a separate invite for dinner, and empty notecards for personal messages to each one of the guests. 


Hannah & Ed: A Countryside Wedding

The second invite I worked on was for my dear friends Hannah & Ed. I met Hannah a few years ago at work and we've been fast friends ever since. She's a one of a kind, and one of the kindest people I know. She also is Mrs. British Countryside herself, who has acted as my guide to British culture and countryside over these past few years. Her wedding took place in their gorgeous local village church, followed by a feast in a tent set up in the field by the dairy farm they live on. The entire tent was decorated with vintage farmyard equipment (her husband is a mechanic), hay bales, and hops. Hops are local to the area and also featured heavily in the designs I did for them. 

I did a few extra bits for them as well, including the Order of Service booklets, and custom wine labels! I managed to bring a few bottles home (for the portfolio, of course), and let me just say I am definitely open for more commissions like these. Wine label designer, could that be a full time job?


Dirk & Sabine: A WACOM TABLET WITH FEELINGS

This final commission I almost feel bad for including here, as I don't feel like I properly designed this one. The bride and groom (my brother and sister in law) had this design all sketched out and just needed someone to turn this into reality, which I did. The only credit I will take is picking out the font, which is different from what they originally picked. Still, they were happy with the designs and ultimately that is why I love designing wedding invites: you get to be a special part of people's celebrations. 

Hope you enjoyed that update! 
If you're interested in commissioning a wedding invite or save the date, please do send me a message or check out my Etsy shop. 

Review: Paperless Post
NB: This post was sponsored by Paperless Post. Thanks, guys!

You guys know I love my stationery and I love sending people cards - for birthdays, new homes, births, or just to let them know I'm thinking about them. Often, however, my cards or letters never make it to their intended recipient. Why? Because I'm too busy (lazy) to go to the post office. So when Paperless Post, a website and app for online invites and stationery, approached me to try their services, I was intrigued. Here's my review!

The Designs

The first thing that stood out to me are the designs. There are designer collections, created by well known designers like Kate Spade (very fun), Emily McDowell, or my favorite Rifle Paper Co, but also a bunch of designers and illustrators that I had never heard of but really loved (Little Cube, for example).

You're able to fully customize the cards any way you like - from the color of the background, the lining, lettering, and 'stamp and postmark'. I really enjoyed playing around with this part, so much so, that in one case I actually forgot to edit the template copy and sent my beloved husband a note ending in 'XOXO Cliff'.

One more note on the designs - even though the cards are digital, they have a 'real' look to them, which makes them feel more special than other e-cards. 

Events and Tracking

One thing I haven't yet had a chance to try is using Paperless Post as an event planning service. When I was pregnant, however, a dear friend organized a baby shower for me, and she used Paperless Post to invite the guests and get people to RSVP. It was a perfect option as it definitely would have been over the top for her to design and send out paper invites, and the rsvp functionality made it really easy for us to see who had and hadn't opened their invite, and who was and wasn't coming. 

I can imagine not everyone would be interested in using an online service to send out their wedding invites, but I was very charmed by their 'wedding weekend stationery', which allows people to design everything from welcome letters, to menus, and programs. Smart move, because getting everything printed can be a hassle (especially when you leave it last minute). And although I haven't tried this, apparently you can also order some of the cards and stationery to be printed and (rush-) shipped to your home. 

The Verdict

As a wedding and baby shower card designer, I obviously don't feel like it can fully replace the look and feel of stationery 100% customized to your wishes (printed on deliciously heavy paper with a sandy texture, yummm), but I all in all, I liked Paperless Post a lot more than I thought I would. It's a great and charming option if you want to send someone a quick note, congratulations, or organize a get together and keep track of your guests. The cards are beautiful and the interface is easy and fun to use for both sender and recipient. It feels really special, and I definitely will be using Paperless Post more often going forward - especially when organizing a brunch, baby shower, or other event (Jacob's first birthday party? Eek!).

Have you tried Paperless Post yet? What were your thoughts?

Journal Pages: Drama Mama Part Two

Boo! Yes, I'm still here. 
You probably thought I was too busy partying and enjoying summer to draw or blog much. And you would be right if by 'partying' you mean 'sitting in a corner crying' and by 'enjoying summer' you mean 'living through this sh*t show of the summer'. 

It has taken me a while to get back to blogging and uploading my scans because a) I don't want to complain too much when there's so much trouble in the world today that's way (waaaaay) worse than what we've gone through, but also b) writing it down just brings it all right back, and I fear I've got a slight case of PTSD. 

I managed to keep a journal through some of it, though, which you'll find below. Enjoy and do let me know what you did this summer in the comments. For larger versions, please check out my Flickr account (I'm old school like that).

Journal Pages: Drama Mama

You guys, it's been a lot. These last two and a half months have been 'interesting', even though it started out just fine. I was so nervous for the Big Day - first day of nursery for Jacob, but of course he was a total rockstar. I was a little anxious to start my working life again, but of course it was great fun. And then?

Then Jacob's ear trouble returned. Fortunately, the end was in sight with a planned surgery for the end of May at one of the best children's hospitals in the world. Or so we thought. On the day itself the operation was cancelled as it turned out we had something else to worry about besides the cyst in his ear: low white blood cells, or 'neutropenia' as it is called. Invisible, and therefore, like most things invisible, to me a lot scarier. The update here is that while it's still scary, it does seem like Jacob will be fine. We're awaiting more test results, but in the mean time, anytime our little man has a fever, we need to rush back to the hospital as the low white blood cell count means he can't fight off infections at all and even a little bacterial infection can turn nasty or worse. Not the best, but never in my life have I been more grateful for free health care and above all for the kind, hard working, knowledgable nurses and doctors the NHS employs. They are all saints in my book. As is my mom, who flew out to support me (and cuddle little J) during our last stint at the hospital.

Then at work a series of changes took place that took me by surprise. Things still are very much in flux even now, and although I'm sure things will turn out ok one way or another, like a lot of change, it has been uncomfortable. 

Oh and did I mention it seems like London can't seem to catch a break either? 

The good news is that the doctors have cleared our ever cheerful little man for travel and so next week, we will be off to Holland for a week to celebrate my brother getting married, as well as Jochem's brother getting married (not to each other, but to two other people we very much like). Better things to come, I am sure. And hopefully the next time the universe is trying to send me a message it'll just WhatsApp me. Seriously, what's with the drama?

Journal Pages: The 'Eardeal'

It's been an intense couple of weeks, my friends. Let me tell you. First Mr. Floor went back to work, putting an end to the complimentary breakfast service I've been enjoying since Jacob was born, and effectively making me primary caregiver. Things went well that first week - sure, no more breakfast, or showers, or you know, anything, but Jacob and I enjoyed ourselves. He's generally an easy baby - smiley, social, not completely adverse to naps. But then the second week came around and all that changed - he was fussy, cried suddenly and louder than I'd heard him do before, needed constant attention, resisted naps. "Teething," said the health visitor. "A cold," said our GP when we rang him. "Just give him some paracetamol to bring the fever down". I canceled my birthday plans and we spent a quiet weekend at home, but on Monday he still wasn't well, and what's worse, I discovered a lump in his ear canal. 

The GP sent us to the children's emergency room and there we were sent 'upstairs' to the children's ward, where he was admitted. Blood was taken, and white blood cell count was low. They were not sure what the lump was. His lymph nodes seemed swollen too. The fever hadn't come down yet. Putting in an IV on a chubby little baby was a nightmare.  By the time Jacob was hooked up to his IV of antibiotics and we had settled into our hospital beds it was 4 am. I cried the remainder of the night.

We spent about a week on the children's ward of our local hospital, where Jacob got worse at first where he wouldn't even nurse on his painful side, but eventually his fever came down as did the swelling around his ear. The lump in his ear canal got bigger, though, and after days and days of sitting around and waiting for 'a bed to open up', we were finally transferred to a specialized children's hospital. There, the doctor took one look at his ear, told us it wasn't anything scary, cut open the lump (which turned out to be some kind of boil that had gotten very infected), and sent us home within the hour. 

That was two weeks ago and Jacob is doing very well. I feel like I've only now calmed down a bit (although to be honest, if I weren't breastfeeding, I probably still could have used a shot of something or other). Yesterday Mr. Floor suggested the whole ordeal might have been more traumatic for me than it was for Jacob. I don't know if that is true, but your mind does go scary places when your baby is sick, you haven't slept in days (or weeks) and there aren't a lot of comforting answers right away. 

Below you'll find some journal pages made during and after our 'eardeal' (ugh, I am sorry), enjoy.

Journal Pages: Mommy Gut

Jacob is three months (and eight days) old. It's been almost a year since I became pregnant with him, although I didn't know it yet. I didn't know how lucky we'd be - and although I suspected it, I had no idea how incredible the human body is - how incredible my body is. I am not sure when (if at all) I'll get over the fact that we made this perfect little boy who has become the center of everything. I have never been more grateful for my healthy body that somehow knew how to pull this off. 

I've not always had this good a relationship with my body. In high school and college (and to be fair, for a long while after) I was mostly at war with my body. Women's bodies become so very visible after puberty and I did not feel mine was good enough. I did not feel good enough. At that time, the only way I knew how to ease that discomfort was by trying to whip the outside, the visible part, of myself into a less offensive shape. It did not work, of course, but that took me a long time to figure out (and an even longer time to unpack and heal the why, but that's another blog post entirely).
 

Bumps Are 'Out There'

When I became pregnant, a (very naive) part of me had expected I'd temporarily be 'free' from some of the pressures that come with having a female body. A break. I quickly learned that this was an illusion, not only because the pressure to conform to societal norms is partly internal and therefore hard to escape, but also because you are never more visible than when you are pregnant. Your body, as soon as it becomes known and visibly clear that you are with child, almost becomes public property. Everything you eat, drink, and (not) do, is magnified and may be commented upon. Discussing the way you look is to be expected. In some cases (although I didn't experience this myself very much), apparently even touching a pregnant belly is fair game. Even though all of these interactions were positive in my case - it felt odd. Perfect strangers discussing my bump, friends talking about my weight, colleagues asking me after my diet. It was a change. I had left my carefully crafted 'safe zone' (a certain weight, diet, exercise, careless attitude) behind and was having to discuss it by ways of small talk. 
 

Following My Mommy Gut

As my body heals, I am learning to use my increased love and respect for it to care for it. My life is completely different now that Jacob is here, and it doesn't feel inappropriate for my body to reflect this change. As time goes by, however, it also feels wonderful to slowly start to recognize myself in the mirror again. This balancing act (accepting change versus conserving a bit of your old self) seems to me like the perfect metaphor of motherhood. As is the feeling of having to 'explain' yourself, I guess - and deciding, in the end, that you just need to go with your gut. Mommy gut FTW. 


Last Month

Below some journal pages about all this, some trips we made this month, shingles fun times, and the joys of breastfeeding and having the entire world see my boobs (again, so so visible).